If there's anything that the pandemic has taught us, it's how strong we are. From zoom school to daycare closures, I looked around and saw an inspiring amount of strength around me from working moms. It wasn't an easy time, and those of us with partners (better have!) chipped in, but I know I learned a lot about my personal strengths that I probably wouldn't have otherwise considered.
It's sad to me that we had to reach a breaking point to be acknowledged. I remember reading about a group of moms who just organized a group to go scream in a field. Though I initially admired the sense of support and camaraderie, and even could appreciate the physical release that must have brought, I overall thought it was a waste. Why couldn't we channel this frustrated energy into action? Did we all feel so powerless by endless restrictions and impossible situations that we felt the only thing to do was to scream into the universe together?
As a working mom, here's what I learned about myself during the pandemic:
#1 Your impossible standards are impossible. No one benefits from you being a martyr: not your kids, your partner, or your employer. Set up realistic boundaries and goals for yourself, and stick to them.
#2 It's okay for your job to just be your job. I personally find sayings like "if you work at a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life" damaging. With such an emphasis on meaning in your work, especially for women, I feel like we lose sight of what's most important: the money!
This may be an unpopular opinion, but women need spending power. We need to be paid what we are worth, and it's okay to not support your family at a company that pays you what you need: if it's not aligned with your personal mission in life, get invested in driving cultural change!
#3 Speak up: lean on your partner. Marriages are partnerships, and the pandemic highlighted how uneven the burden of running a household, childcare, and work can be. Don't wait for the unhelpful "how can I help?" (if you are lucky to get that). Give them specific tasks and ways that they can help you. Practice your managerial skills and delegate those tasks that you know they can handle!
When Strength Meets Heartbreak: Some Perspective
If 2020s have taught us anything, it's that we have put ourselves here. We put our mindset and way of thinking to a stress test and it broke. It sucked, but now it's time to rebuild.
How can we take this time to build it into something better? What kind of support systems did you wish that you had in place when you were struggling? Can you work towards bringing that to future generations of employees, or run for office with these issues at the forefront of your mind?
Want to dive deeper? Check out this recent podcast, where I shared more tips for working moms.
Is it weird to bring up your partner in a business-type blog? I'm going to do it anyway.
While I'm all about female empowerment, it’s naive to think that women can do it all on their own. In fact, one theme I'm consistent on is the need for women to have a support system, both personally and professionally.
Professionally, your support system is your Personal Board of Directors: much like a company, a group of people who are personally invested in your success who you can tap in to get advice or wisdom at any time to advance.
Taking it one step further, I would argue that the person that you choose to spend your life with is truly your partner. It is not as romantic to think about necessarily, but "forever after" includes compromises and sacrifices. It involves values, understanding, and making the other person's happiness as high of a priority as your own.
I'm not saying it comes without its ups and downs, but my 10+ years with my husband has been one of the most supportive relationships I have ever been in. Let's dive into what kinds of conversations are worth having:
1 - Finances
Not so sexy a topic, but an important one nonetheless. Ideally before the wedding, a conversation needs to be had about money. Who makes what, who has debt, what the plan is for kicking off your life together. And, time to be honest about your money habits: who is the spender? Who is the saver? I'm all about a little balance, but if something is out of whack now, it will only exacerbate things later. Luckily for me, we are both financially paranoid and don't spend money, ever. So we are boring ;)
2 - Career
This is also a nice time to talk your career dreams. It's not to say your career can change, but is your career important to you? Where is it you want to be in your life? How can this person help you to get there, or best support you?
For example, if your dream is to be the CEO of a company, is your partner onboard with that? Are they okay with the travel, long hours, maybe that MBA program that you are planning to take in a few years? Yeah, talk about that now. Because it's an important factor especially as we look at point 3.
3 - Kids
Hands down, having kids is one of the most challenging things to negotiate with my career. But I'm doing everything in my power to make it so that it doesn't have to be for my daughters if they choose to be working moms - at least, not to this extent.
This person is your PARTNER. That means communication, alignment and as equal a division of labor as possible when it comes to your offspring. You may still be the default parent for doctor appointments, etc., but they can jump in too. Usually, they want to. So don't take yet another day off of work if your partner can take a turn when your kid runs a fever. Tap into them as the resource they are and not as another child that needs to be taken care of ;)
The Bottom Line: Love is Just a Start
There's so much more that comes around after that happily ever after, and knowing where you both stand when it comes to heavy hitting topics like the above. The reason I chose to highlight it now is that while I got married a while back, there really is something to being with someone who commits to you and what is important to you. I love my kids, but know that I get fulfillment out of working, and I need to lean on him occasionally to dedicate the focus needed to succeed at my job. And as I look around the room, especially at a tech company, we need more women here. Women belong in places of leadership, decision making, and influence - so we can make for a better tomorrow for our daughters.
Want more? Checkout this recent episode of the Moms that Lead podcast, where I talked about support systems for women for long term leadership success.
The global pandemic forced a lot more grace for working parents, but there's still a ways to go. Personally, it can sometimes be frustrating as a working parent to be lumped into a "mom" category by coworkers who don't have kids, and it can feel like my work ethic gets dismissed or challenged. Mom is just one of my labels: I can still be an employee, too.
Working parents are also brilliant multitaskers, one of many skills they have been forced to learn in the last 2 years. I remember in 2020 during a daycare shutdown having to change a dirty diaper while pitching a joint project with a partner. With a phone on speaker on the shelf near my head and my daughter staying blessedly silent, my coworker was shocked when I revealed what I was actually doing in the debrief afterwards.
So if you don't have kids - maybe by choice, or if you aren't there yet - here are some ways you can help out some of the working parents on your team.
1 - Empathy
It may be obvious, but let's start here. Think of your worst night's sleep, then multiply it by every night for at least 6 months, with no breaks. Then imagine having to be bright-eyed for a meeting, presentation, or even showing up at the office. Working parents have a lot going on that you don't see, so being understanding of their lives outside of the office can be incredibly supportive. How? I'm so glad you asked:
2 - Flexibility
Being flexible is one advantage you have that the working parent does not, most especially with their time. If their availability is limited, look at your own calendar and see where you can compromise. We don't mean to cancel meetings at the last minute, but sometimes our kid runs a fever or the babysitter doesn't show up. Do what you can to help parents when something comes up on the home front: offer to send notes from a meeting they missed, or cancel your weekly check in with them and send them an email outlining things instead.
3 - Accommodate
Parental leave in the US is a joke. We barely have time to have the children before we are expected back at work - often a mere 6 weeks later, if that. Maybe it's paid, maybe it's not. Do what you can to advocate for the new parents of tomorrow: what is your maternity leave policy? Can it be better? Can it be longer, or can it be paid? Can paternal leave be extended or enhanced as well? New moms coming back to the office also need a space to pump - and a bathroom stall or a supply closet is unacceptable, I don't care how small a company you are. These simple accommodations will be one less thing new parents have to worry about, and they are worrying about a lot right now in raising tiny humans or getting ready to welcome them.
4 - Respect their time
Do not ask me to have a call at 8am while I am dropping off my kids. I also work hard during the day so I can leave to get my kids and start my 2nd shift (which weirdly I look forward to after a full day of work), so don't ask me to stay later for happy hours or dinners. See if your culture can better respect time constraints of working parents: perhaps have a team lunch during working hours, or being strict about only booking important meetings during reasonable working hours. Now is not the time to demand above and beyond time commitments from the working parent.
5 - Offer to Help
Be proactive about what you can do to help support working parents. Often working moms especially are constantly trying to defy the laws of time and space and tend to overcommit. If you are their manager, see what you can take off their plate or that can be delegated to another team member. Have honest conversations about their workload and what can be reprioritized. Also make sure they have some balance in the type of work that they have - they have the necessary work, but make sure they have a project or two that they are truly passionate about so they find some fulfillment at work. This can also help alleviate some burn out.
The Bottom Line
The capabilities of working parents are extraordinary. Can you imagine the leadership skills they are developing during this time in their lives? I for one have improved my creativity and negotiating skills - toddlers and preschoolers are no joke when it comes to getting them out the door in the morning (and I'm doing that solo!) While all of the above is incredibly helpful to working parents, its important for you as their colleague to understand that this period in their lives is not forever. Every day, my kids need me less and less ((chokes back tears)) and one day, will require very little of my time to survive. Working parents need to be allowed the flexibility to have this precious time with their children, and shouldn't have to sacrifice being a valued team member too: and I can guarantee the long-term investment will definitely pay off.
I'm a motivated, self-starting marketer and working mom looking to make a difference in the world - one story at a time.
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