If there's anything that the pandemic has taught us, it's how strong we are. From zoom school to daycare closures, I looked around and saw an inspiring amount of strength around me from working moms. It wasn't an easy time, and those of us with partners (better have!) chipped in, but I know I learned a lot about my personal strengths that I probably wouldn't have otherwise considered.
It's sad to me that we had to reach a breaking point to be acknowledged. I remember reading about a group of moms who just organized a group to go scream in a field. Though I initially admired the sense of support and camaraderie, and even could appreciate the physical release that must have brought, I overall thought it was a waste. Why couldn't we channel this frustrated energy into action? Did we all feel so powerless by endless restrictions and impossible situations that we felt the only thing to do was to scream into the universe together?
As a working mom, here's what I learned about myself during the pandemic:
#1 Your impossible standards are impossible. No one benefits from you being a martyr: not your kids, your partner, or your employer. Set up realistic boundaries and goals for yourself, and stick to them.
#2 It's okay for your job to just be your job. I personally find sayings like "if you work at a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life" damaging. With such an emphasis on meaning in your work, especially for women, I feel like we lose sight of what's most important: the money!
This may be an unpopular opinion, but women need spending power. We need to be paid what we are worth, and it's okay to not support your family at a company that pays you what you need: if it's not aligned with your personal mission in life, get invested in driving cultural change!
#3 Speak up: lean on your partner. Marriages are partnerships, and the pandemic highlighted how uneven the burden of running a household, childcare, and work can be. Don't wait for the unhelpful "how can I help?" (if you are lucky to get that). Give them specific tasks and ways that they can help you. Practice your managerial skills and delegate those tasks that you know they can handle!
When Strength Meets Heartbreak: Some Perspective
If 2020s have taught us anything, it's that we have put ourselves here. We put our mindset and way of thinking to a stress test and it broke. It sucked, but now it's time to rebuild.
How can we take this time to build it into something better? What kind of support systems did you wish that you had in place when you were struggling? Can you work towards bringing that to future generations of employees, or run for office with these issues at the forefront of your mind?
Want to dive deeper? Check out this recent podcast, where I shared more tips for working moms.
Is it weird to bring up your partner in a business-type blog? I'm going to do it anyway.
While I'm all about female empowerment, it’s naive to think that women can do it all on their own. In fact, one theme I'm consistent on is the need for women to have a support system, both personally and professionally.
Professionally, your support system is your Personal Board of Directors: much like a company, a group of people who are personally invested in your success who you can tap in to get advice or wisdom at any time to advance.
Taking it one step further, I would argue that the person that you choose to spend your life with is truly your partner. It is not as romantic to think about necessarily, but "forever after" includes compromises and sacrifices. It involves values, understanding, and making the other person's happiness as high of a priority as your own.
I'm not saying it comes without its ups and downs, but my 10+ years with my husband has been one of the most supportive relationships I have ever been in. Let's dive into what kinds of conversations are worth having:
1 - Finances
Not so sexy a topic, but an important one nonetheless. Ideally before the wedding, a conversation needs to be had about money. Who makes what, who has debt, what the plan is for kicking off your life together. And, time to be honest about your money habits: who is the spender? Who is the saver? I'm all about a little balance, but if something is out of whack now, it will only exacerbate things later. Luckily for me, we are both financially paranoid and don't spend money, ever. So we are boring ;)
2 - Career
This is also a nice time to talk your career dreams. It's not to say your career can change, but is your career important to you? Where is it you want to be in your life? How can this person help you to get there, or best support you?
For example, if your dream is to be the CEO of a company, is your partner onboard with that? Are they okay with the travel, long hours, maybe that MBA program that you are planning to take in a few years? Yeah, talk about that now. Because it's an important factor especially as we look at point 3.
3 - Kids
Hands down, having kids is one of the most challenging things to negotiate with my career. But I'm doing everything in my power to make it so that it doesn't have to be for my daughters if they choose to be working moms - at least, not to this extent.
This person is your PARTNER. That means communication, alignment and as equal a division of labor as possible when it comes to your offspring. You may still be the default parent for doctor appointments, etc., but they can jump in too. Usually, they want to. So don't take yet another day off of work if your partner can take a turn when your kid runs a fever. Tap into them as the resource they are and not as another child that needs to be taken care of ;)
The Bottom Line: Love is Just a Start
There's so much more that comes around after that happily ever after, and knowing where you both stand when it comes to heavy hitting topics like the above. The reason I chose to highlight it now is that while I got married a while back, there really is something to being with someone who commits to you and what is important to you. I love my kids, but know that I get fulfillment out of working, and I need to lean on him occasionally to dedicate the focus needed to succeed at my job. And as I look around the room, especially at a tech company, we need more women here. Women belong in places of leadership, decision making, and influence - so we can make for a better tomorrow for our daughters.
Want more? Checkout this recent episode of the Moms that Lead podcast, where I talked about support systems for women for long term leadership success.
I feel like I have always had this mom energy: from being the oldest of three growing up to actually physically having kids of my own. When I think about what my personal mission is and what I am most passionate about, it is really about empowering women - particularly working moms.
Women have left the workplace in droves, with the "Great Resignation" showing us the lowest level of female employment since the 1980s. As someone who was made in the 80s, this number is horrifying. A large solution to this problem is childcare: we need to do better (no, not you mom. The support system around you. You are doing great.)
I have been there, and know how hard it is to do everything by yourself. With every struggle, I am optimistic about the solution. I think our mom rage is at a breaking point where society is just about to stop calling us heroes, and will start to do something about it. Some promising ways:
I was listening to an episode of “Redefining HR,” recently, where a guest on that show from a company called Tend Lab said something like, other countries have support systems for families and children, and the US has women. That struck a cord with me, because I feel like through empowerment and showing up and speaking up, whether its at our companies or running for office, we can drive real change.
Let's be the generation that makes tomorrow better for our daughters.
I'm a motivated, self-starting marketer and working mom looking to make a difference in the world - one story at a time.
Let's get you set up for success!
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